Painful realities.

As I lay spasming and sweating and pissing myself in my bed last night, I had it all planned.

The note, the last blog post, the knife into my femoral artery ( obvious place as I can’t feel my legs ) and a fairly swift bleed out, by myself, alone,  as I’ve mostly been for 2 days.

My cycle of hot and cold has been joined by coughing up blood and retching regularly.

When a person is actually happier in a hospital ward, that’s quite telling. It’s apparent to me that I’m better off in there, with all the other sick people.

I was sad to come home to realise that my children have so very little time for me, stuck in bed and feeling desperately low. Two or three minutes at best, or until one wanted her phone fixed, when suddenly more time was available.

I’m tired of the excuse that it’s what teenagers are like, to be honest. I struggle to think of anything charitable that either of them have ever done, and on current form neither will ever do anything. If they’re too busy to spend a little time with their disabled dad, who has just come out of hospital, and is desperate to see them, then what hope is there?


On the subject of giving, thank you to Sima, my lovely colleague and former student, in Sel’s practice, who took on the fund raising for Selcuk’s coffin transportation, and did so well. She put the word out and raised quite a lot. It’s struck me over the years how those with far less so often give, relatively, so much more generously, and sometimes how those who absolutely should contribute, don’t.

Before my accident I did all sorts of athletic endeavours for charity, but don’t recall my remaining  business ‘partner’  ever donating anything. I thought that on this occasion she might, just might have though, professing recently to ‘ have been like a sister to Selcuk ‘. I’ve not talked on this blog about this woman, but on this occasion feel I should.

My feverish state led to a vivid dream about me kayaking from a disused industrial estate as well as ‘finding’ all this  stuff that had been ‘ left’ there –  it definitely wasn’t mine to help myself to, but in my upbringing in South Wales, if it wasn’t tied up then it  might not be there when you came back 5 minutes later. ..

When I was in Kentucky last year, I wheeled past, and then observed for quite a long time, a fully loaded toolbox, along with ipad, that a tradesman had just wandered off from and left on a pavement

If you think the USA is the crime capital of the planet, then think again.


9 thoughts on “Painful realities.

  1. Dear Russ

    You don’t know me, but I know of you and have been following your blog for some time. You are in my thoughts a lot.

    I’m so sorry to hear how upset you are, and in particular what you say about your teenage daughters. Having been in a similar situation myself when I was a teenager (my dad suddenly became disabled), I am ashamed to say that I behaved in a similar fashion. What I will say to you is that my reason for behaving as I did is completely the opposite from how it appeared – I loved (and still love) my dad very deeply, but as a teenager trying to behave as if everything is normal and going about my business was a coping strategy, not only for my own benefit but also for my dad – “let’s pretend it’s all ok and it will be”. I think when you are thrown into exceptional circumstances out of the bolt blue the naïve part of me thought if I “continued as normal” it would get back to normal eventually.

    I also behaved how I did as I presumed my dad was strong and as he was a “grown up” you don’t consider that they are hurting. No doubt your daughters still view you as their strong dad, so won’t be considering your feelings, or know how dark your thoughts have become. You are still their f*cking tough bad ass dad.

    I’m wishing you all the best and you are in my thoughts.

    A fan.


  2. Aw, don’t be harsh about things getting nicked here in South Wales.
    There was a horse tied up outside Pontypool Leisure Centre for hours and nobody nicked it. 🙂

    1. Pontypool Leisure Centre used to be a sheep tied to a lamp post, so the horse was probably keeping it company.
      Hang on in there Russ – you are far more important to people than you realise.

  3. I’m back in that ‘don’t know what to say’ space, so I thought I’d just let you know I’ve read your blog and am feeling really sad for you. ?

  4. Russ your heart is way bigger than this post would have us believe and that must be because you’re unwell.
    You love your daughters as much as they love you I’m absolutely sure of that.
    Once you’re feeling better your perspective will change and you’ll be way more positive. In the meantime don’t post anything you may regret.
    Sending you supercharged get well vibes xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *