As I lay spasming and sweating and pissing myself in my bed last night, I had it all planned.
The note, the last blog post, the knife into my femoral artery ( obvious place as I can’t feel my legs ) and a fairly swift bleed out, by myself, alone, as I’ve mostly been for 2 days.
My cycle of hot and cold has been joined by coughing up blood and retching regularly.
When a person is actually happier in a hospital ward, that’s quite telling. It’s apparent to me that I’m better off in there, with all the other sick people.
I was sad to come home to realise that my children have so very little time for me, stuck in bed and feeling desperately low. Two or three minutes at best, or until one wanted her phone fixed, when suddenly more time was available.
I’m tired of the excuse that it’s what teenagers are like, to be honest. I struggle to think of anything charitable that either of them have ever done, and on current form neither will ever do anything. If they’re too busy to spend a little time with their disabled dad, who has just come out of hospital, and is desperate to see them, then what hope is there?
On the subject of giving, thank you to Sima, my lovely colleague and former student, in Sel’s practice, who took on the fund raising for Selcuk’s coffin transportation, and did so well. She put the word out and raised quite a lot. It’s struck me over the years how those with far less so often give, relatively, so much more generously, and sometimes how those who absolutely should contribute, don’t.
Before my accident I did all sorts of athletic endeavours for charity, but don’t recall my remaining business ‘partner’ ever donating anything. I thought that on this occasion she might, just might have though, professing recently to ‘ have been like a sister to Selcuk ‘. I’ve not talked on this blog about this woman, but on this occasion feel I should.
My feverish state led to a vivid dream about me kayaking from a disused industrial estate as well as ‘finding’ all this stuff that had been ‘ left’ there – it definitely wasn’t mine to help myself to, but in my upbringing in South Wales, if it wasn’t tied up then it might not be there when you came back 5 minutes later. ..
When I was in Kentucky last year, I wheeled past, and then observed for quite a long time, a fully loaded toolbox, along with ipad, that a tradesman had just wandered off from and left on a pavement
If you think the USA is the crime capital of the planet, then think again.