Never a dull Easter.

In the spirit of having an eventful Easter, this one is no different.

Breaking news is that I find myself single. Dani has quite justifiably had enough of me ( not particularly for the post injury me – tho that version isn’t exactly always full of beans ) but for my actions pre injury which can’t be forgiven, and rightly so.

I kinda tip between despair/ suicide and fleeting moments of curiosity as to how and if I would manage by myself. The adapted home that we share at the moment will cease to be the one that I live in. Rightly, my daughters aren’t keen to leave that place, Dani wants what’s best for them ( of course ) so the casualty is yours truly.

I don’t know what this’ll do to my relationships with ‘our’ friends, as people have a habit of taking sides, and  I’m a whole lot more obvious as the one to drop from a morals perspective.

I expect life to continue to be extremely challenging  obviously, and from now on more lonely too. The nature of break up’s is that they start, build up steam and then go off properly. The atmosphere of late at ‘home’ would kill most Earth dwelling organisms dead with its toxicity, and it can’t continue.  As Dani generally ‘ does the  right thing’ she won’t force me out until I’ve found somewhere. Going forward I expect to see less and less of my children as they already are ‘ very busy ‘ all of the time, like teenagers tend to be. I suppose that will depend on their character and I think that Dani will encourage them to meet me.

I will try to work more ( Helen, you’re in luck ! ) try to resolve my continuous spasm issues ( as I type from a service  station car park where I’ve spent most of Easter Sunday, my legs have gone into a jerk frenzy ) and maybe I’ll write that book that people keep telling me to..

I spent last night alone in a bar ( my choice ) just to avoid conflict and ‘ Good ‘ Friday also largely alone by the same rationale.

I will continue to write this diary as I start the new  chapter. Dani tells me that none of my friends actually read it any more and as I can’t ‘see’ who does, I really don’t know the score there.

For the record, Dani is 100% blameless and I accept all responsibility for my fate. And I’m sorry sincerely for all the pain I’ve caused you and the kids

I can swim now ( actually I can’t )  or I can sink out of sight. Either is  possible, though one is more likely.

Post Spinal Cord Injury the divorce rate is way higher than in the  normal population as the injured go through a long period of mental torment. I’m still very much in that dark tunnel now after 2 years and 9 months. It’s fair to say that it’s gotten harder, not easier, mentally. As a consequence it takes a extremely tolerant family to cope. There are things that could have made it far better.

If you are reading this because you have a relative  that is SC injured then please contact me, as I can absolutely tell you what might have saved me.

Happy Easter

 

7 thoughts on “Never a dull Easter.

  1. Hi Russ. I read your blog too. It’s always well written, informative and often entertaining. I’m so, so sorry to hear your news. It’s all just so sad. I hope that you can work out how to be happier over time. All the best to you, Laura

  2. Russ, I don’t know about your friends but Mike and I read your blog regularly and I update Mark all the time (he tends to look at pictures and videos as he finds the words too hard. That’s not meant to sound like he can’t read, I mean emotionally). I don’t know about Mike, but my heart bleeds for you and Dani, Lily and Amber all the time and what’s worse is I have no idea what I can do to help. If there is anything you can think of, however small, that might make a difference, please get in touch. Lots of love Mary xx

  3. I’m so sorry for all of you to read this, & especially for you. I dislike taking sides in this things, & the wind may blow the other tomorrow., but I will have your back. I just wanted you to know that.

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