It’s 4.30 am and I wish I wasn’t spasming, so I could sleep. NOTHING is ever ‘ normal’ now.

It’s not unusual in relationships to go through problems, to have arguments and challenges.
What I always face though is the fact that the other person just doesn’t even begin to realise just how much my paralysis affects every aspect of my existence, including the way I think, and the way I am, her refrain therefore being ‘ but this is nothing to do with your paralysis!’ Except if I wasn’t paralysed, this very situation right now wouldn’t have occurred, that other thing wouldn’t have happened in the first place… the way it affects every waking moment, and how much I’m awake at night, as per this post at 5.12 am now … I remember being normal, and having the freedom to think normally, without the huge and dark presence of my spinal cord injury, with all the life strangulation i have. I remember having the liberty that normality brings. The Liberty that means for example that your relationship troubles are by far at that moment the most significant and emotional thing in your head. I remember that very well. I remember when having had a night without sleep that it was a really big deal to me, that it would ruin my day. Now tho, a sleepless night is nothing to me. I have far worse challenges in my every day than feeling a bit tired.
Now though the ‘ difficulty’ the relationship is going through is, to me, always, always dwarfed by the blinding migraine of paralysis, and always insignificant compared to the constant other omnipresent problems I have.

I’ve never had a girlfriend who gets that. For her the relationship blip MUST be surely the most emotional thing in my head. Except it’s not. I don’t have the freedom to think that way. The ‘other stuff’ always trumps and overrides, way exceeding the day to day ups and downs and ebbs and flows that health normality allows you.

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