There are unknown perks to being paralysed. You can have free prescriptions, a free ticket to shows for the person who pushes your wheelchair etc etc.

And also you can belong to the SCI ( spinal cord injury ) Owners Club group on Facebook. Perks, like I said.

There are lots of people on the group who are quite remarkable – there’s nothing like a bit ( read shitload that’s for ever ) of adversity to bring out the best in you.

There is all sorts pertaining to being disabled/ paralysed that’s discussed on the ‘ forum’. You can dip in as much as you want. I don’t dip in a whole lot, but occasionally I’m stirred to add something.

When you are paralysed, everything below your injury is buggered up essentially. That includes your genitals, your bladder and your bowels – the whole lot is affected ( either partially or totally ) Going for a pee or a poo is f’d up forever. In my case it is too. That’s why my urine comes out of a tube in my tummy, and as of 2 years ago I have a stoma, so poo comes out of a hole 10cm to the left of my tummy button. I have a colostomy bag stuck over that hole and that stops it shooting all over me and you, if you happen to be sat on my lap, or opposite me.

About 6 months after I had the operation ( a few hours in surgery and a few days in hospital ) I started to use irritagation daily. That’s consists of me letting water into the hole through a tube ( about a litre and a half ) and then waiting for it to come out again along with the 💩, which goes down a poop shoot into the loo. While this is going on I can send daft texts/ emails to people, or listen to an audiobook, or study, or whatever, but essentially that’s it. There’s nothing else to it. After the flush, that’s ( usually ) about it until the next day, or in my case about 20 hours later. The other thing about me starting to do this process is that my spasms are drastically diminished. It’s all pretty hygienic and the bits you use are new every day so it’s all fairly straightforward, at least in my opinion. That of course is because all things are relative. Prior to the stoma, it’s a very different process. You have to get your paralysed ass onto a toilet seat ( that you can’t feel or balance properly on ) and sit there until you ‘ get a result ‘ As you can’t ‘ push ‘ you can’t hurry it up, and you can’t even feel it leaving your body. You have to rely on sound and smells… You use suppositories, or water irrigation up your bum, and you have to wear rubber gloves. F me, it’s a shock when you realise that this is what you are going to have to do for the rest of your life. As you can’t tell if you are empty, you don’t know if you will shit your pants later in the day, whether in your chair, in a car, on the bus, on a plane. at work, or anywhere at all – all of which happened to me. Then you have to get home and you/ you and another person helping have to somehow clean yourself and your chair up and change your clothes.

I’m trying very hard not to sound biased about the stoma option, but the relief from the world of uncertainty and soiling was a significant thing.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. This lady had posted on the forum that she had had years of difficulty with bowel management. All sorts offered advice, from suppositories, diet, timing etc etc.

I just wrote ‘ get a colostomy- problem solved or something like that.

I’ve had a similar reaction before….. you get a barrage of no’s, and words of extreme caution before ‘ doing anything drastic ‘ ( that’ll be the simple and reversible operation then ) – all from people who spend up to 3 hours a day with their fingers up their bums, who haven’t actually had a stoma. The stoma option is unusual, it seems, hardly anyone has had it done and if you promote it you may as well be promoting paedophia for all the reaction you get. This chap called Paolo ( Italian guy ) said ‘ Oh God no ‘ to my suggestion. So here’s a fella pooh poohing ( excuse the expression ) a very good option where, let’s face it, the choice of management is fairly shit. I defended my choice and he argued ( bear in mind he hasn’t tried a stoma ). He’s a lawyer, I think, and my God, that lot can be ever so convinced of their expertise on pretty much any matter at all. It went back and forth a bit and I sensed he was getting ‘ emotional ‘ about his ( uneducated in this case ) point of view.

I wrote ‘ Paolo, why don’t you just do what your kinsmen normally do in conflict situations and just surrender without a fight? ‘ which I thought was very funny, not to mention historically accurate.

Blimey, he wrote ‘ Why don’t you go Fuck yourself, you racist bastard !’

What happened next ( other than me laughing and thinking he had been very rude to me ) was that I was banned from the SCI group…

It’s been a while since I’ve been banned from something, but I’m no stranger to it. In Cardiff University I was banned from most of the pubs I wanted to go into, from ALL of the Halls of residence, from the student union, and eventually even from the rugby club! I think I might be the only person in history to manage the latter.

The SCI Club ban is only temporary, but I’ve resigned as a member anyway. Whilst there are some amazingly brave people on there, there are far too many that spend way too much time with their fingers up their arse holes.

By choice.