In my head.

So on Sunday I had my first chat with Micheal Appleton.
He was suggested as a person I could talk to, to bear my soul, to help me get through ‘this’.

Firstly, he’s a very nice man, probably around my age.

‘Before’, I’d never in my wildest dreams thought of talking to any kind of counsellor. Why would I have done? Everything was so good, and if it wasn’t, well I’d not dwell on it.

Now,what people see is a reasonably cheerful guy in a wheelchair. They don’t see behind my eyes, what’s there all the time, lurking – the self doubt and the anguish.

Micheal established a few traits fairly quickly – the engrained self criticism ( yep, always been that way – tho as I tended to do well at things, they weren’t necessarily big criticisms ), the awful guilt I feel for being in this situation and the effect it has on others, who I now need to ask for help. He understood my torment of not being the Dad I wanted to be, the practical, strong, capable, physical, protective man I was, to my daughters.

And he did ask questions that I’ve not been asked before, that made me look deep inside myself.

I think our meetings will be productive.

I invited him to read my blog, and he now has.
He texted me this:

I was struck by the immediacy, directness and quality of your writing Russ. It offers an interior window into a world not often glimpsed. And it was a pleasure. Best wishes Michael

And did he say ‘ tell me about your relationship with your parents ‘?

Well of course he did!

2 thoughts on “In my head.

  1. I totally echo what Laura says – we’re all fucked up and could do with having someone help us tidy up our mental sheds. It works for a surprisingly large number of people. (Yeah, me too. But I’m a hippy, so of course I’ve had counselling. And aromatherapy.)

    Also, if nothing else, a counselling session can be a wonderful safe place to say all the moany, selfish, shitty things you really can’t say anywhere else. (You know the stuff I mean.)

    Maybe Dani might like a session or two, actually. I bet she’s got a pretty messy head shed after the last year. (I say that with all respect for an amazing woman. But my gods has she been through a lot.)

  2. Hi Russ, I had counselling a while ago, which is probably going to worry you even more now, seeing that you know me!
    Thing is, we are all a bit fucked up if you want to look any deeper than whats in front of you, and It will feel strange at first, and why wouldn’t it for anyone ? They always ask about the rents! I found myself laughing about some of the stuff and the people that I previously had dreaded or feared and thats got to be a positive, because it diffuses things when you can laugh. Sure, some things were uncomfortable and if i didnt want to talk about them, I said so……… which of course meant that we went back to it again and again because it was important. Then one day you do feel like talking about it, and thats it
    Its a really worthwhile thing to do, a bit of introspection, and you are half way there if you like the person you are talking to

    I am nearly perfect now as you know
    I hope that you will be able to laugh at some of the stuff that’s challenging, and that it will help you overcome, or at least live peacefully with any issues you face in your life.
    See you soon mate xxxx love and kisses

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