I finally understand myself.

I’ve further had some analysis on my mood changes, probably evident ( to the perceptive or qualified ) by the ‘ tone’ of my blog posts.

If my blog posts are positive, it suggests I’m ‘ happy/ ok ‘.

If my posts are negative, then the thoughts in my head are unhappy/ laced with dread, or even suicidal.

So, note to readers of this diary :- if I’m positive sounding, then please, please if anybody feels the need to send me a message, then please make it positive, to maintain my frame of mind.

If I’m negative sounding, then I am low and the best thing for me is to ‘ sympathise’ with my thoughts.

If I’m negative and I recieved a message that’s very positive, then I don’t believe what you say. You can be as well intentioned as you like, but I’ll react negatively.

Here’s the most important one : if I’m happy sounding, then please, please, please don’t say anything critical to me ( even if I deserve it ) because all I think is ‘ Jesus, give me a bloody break, I’m just trying my best, despite all the crap I go through, to be happy ‘ and then… I get very, very sensitive and take criticism badly. Though also, I still don’t want overly positive stuff either, as I analyse it as misplaced optimism.

I know it’s a little bit complicated, but I, at least, understand my own reactions.

A psychiatrist here explained it all to me today…. And now it sounds painfully obvious.

I’ve repeated what she told me, to anybody that reads this.

At the moment, I’m actually happier than I’ve felt in 3 years and 2 months.
My 10, yes 10, visitors today ( Vee,Chris, Mike,Paul Dom, Rob, Pia, Amber, Lily and Ziggy, her BOYFRIEND ) will all testify, I’m sure, to my upbeat mood. As my visitors ( all the males ) arrived, separately, at more or less exactly the same time, and with a total of 3 bottles of wine, it quickly became a room party… No kidding.
My 2 daughters arrived a good 90 minutes later, within seconds of eachother, yet having no idea that the other was coming, then bickered their way through the next 90 minutes, with me adding in anything that kept myself amused. Lily’s poor friend, Zig, sensibly stayed way out of controversy, but kept laughing.

Anyway, at the risk of having to repeat all of the above, can nobody please message me to upset me in any way at all?

I’m SURE that this analysis applies to each and every, that’s every…one of us.

The old ‘ he obviously got out of the bed the wrong side this morning’ being far truer than it sounds.

Pre injury, I’d say with some conviction, it being applicable to MYSELF, that when you get up you can CHOOSE whether you get up with a smile or a frown, that setting your outward mood ( to others ) for the day.

I now know, that actually ( at least for me ) I cannot choose my mood. It depends whether I wake up having had flashbacks, or covered in my own excrement, for example, or I might ( far more rarely ) just being glad I’m not dead.

For now ie the last 3 years, I’m unable to ‘ just pull myself together’ if I wake up feeling negative. I concentrate on the fact that I’m paralysed and can see nothing else at all.

Living with me throughout this is a guessing game, to put it mildly, and I appreciate very much those that have unwaveringly tolerated me. The more contact you’ve had with me, the more you’ll have witnessed.

Dani’s had the worst of it, having had the most exposure.

Most people that I’ve met who have suffered spinal cord injury, seem to tell me that they lost ( or almost did ) their spouse, along with all, or most of their friends.
And what they don’t understand, and neither did their loved ones, is that post paralysis, these crazy reactions are totally and utterly normal….

( typed with a smile on my face )

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