How life is.

( This post was written on Sunday ay 23rd July, at some point, but I don’t remember when. It’s obviously lucid, as all my posts seem to be, but I only vaguely recall writing it, and I knew relatively little of the events that had occurred since I calmly ended my own life )

I seem to now have a very altered relationship with Death. The prospect of dying, to me, whenever it is, stirs almost no emotion in me.

Ive been trying to think about it, and how I felt about it before – I think with fear/dread/a strong avoidance of  – just like normal people, but now I don’t.

I don’t know if that will revert back.

8 thoughts on “How life is.

  1. I am shocked what i have read. Please don’t do anything silly. As i have already told you my Husband has prostate cancer which has spread to his bones. How long he has i don’t know. I knew you from Specsavers in Staines. I read your blog every day and your honesty has kept me going in my darkest of days. I would love to visit you but at the moment i can’t leave my Husband for long. One day i will come and see you. Love to you Margaret x x x

  2. Russ- very saddened to hear. Pia is right. You have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled. Teenage daughters tend to be pretty egocentric at the best of times- it does pass. You are their father, no one can take that away from you and growing up through the biggest of life’s moments in the absence of a father is a monumental loss. You are their father. They are who they are and will be who they become because of your influence. All I can say is thank God for your influence- compassion and respect they will regain because of you and irrespective of the behaviour of others in their life. I hope your family, friends and brothers continue to rally around you. I hope you can leave the darkness behind. Thinking of you.

  3. Pia … has said it !! What a good caring loving friend .. but she is so right Russ … the impact you have as a person now knows no bounds !! And your daughters whatever their behaviiur now .. its not for ever … look athe impact you have on those who know you and read your blog . Your girls need the opportunity as adults to know you surely !!

    If you are considering writing a book well then go for it . You write so true and well … and it’s real ! Easy for me to say don’t give up as I will have no idea how hard it is for you each day…. but so much for you to do achieve see be as Pia said above … ! X

  4. ‘ How life is – for those who you almost left behind’….

    Not good.

    Saturday was pretty horrendous Russ; knowing that you were giving up, and then not knowing if you would pull through. It was not looking good, but miraculously – you survived. You have (yet again) been given another chance.

    A chance to weather the storm with your daughters, and to be there for them in the future, and allow them to need you, and NOT just the opposite. To become part of their lives again; to hear how Lily does when she gets her GCSE results in August, and to hear what A levels choices she makes. To discuss her career and potential profession with her, and help her towards making decisions regarding what uni goes to, where she lives, who she lives with etc. And then – her Graduation, and the choices she makes in life. To stand (sit) by her regardless of whether you agree with those choices or not. To see her marry, have children (if that happens) and to support her during important events in her life.

    And then, all those things/issues/ situations again – with Amber.

    Alongside; getting to know their partners/husbands/wives, to create bonds with, maybe even having grand children! All Normal stuff – that parents/ grandparents do -irrespective of whether you are standing up or sitting down to do this.

    And then of course there are other things to look forward to; helping others in your situation that have endured horrendous injuries, and had to pick up the pieces and adjust to another – very alien life to what they have been used to.

    Maybe consider helping other optoms beginning their career? – providing them with advice, sharing your vast experience, knowledge etc.

    And there’s your book?! You keep saying that you need to work on that!

    Also, you have so many other things you talk of doing i.e. Visiting family and friends worldwide- from wales to New York etc.

    So much to do…

    Take advantage of this chance you’ve been given Russ. And make us all proud. And allow that charismatic, clever, fucking funny, loveable Russ – to emerge the better person out of this.
    We will be here, with you forevermore – but you need to take on your responsibility here, as a father to the children you created, as well as to those that have helped you physically and emotionally – Drs, nurses, physios, psychiatrists , councillors, family members, friends, blog readers, etc… who are all rooting for you to make positive choices and to get to a better place in life.

    I love you (as do so many people in your life), and all I ask now, is that you help us all, by giving us hope – and seeking help (if needed) and use this as an opportunity to ‘get back on track’.

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