My consultant comes in looking very grave.
He’s sat down, which is a first.
There’s a half bottle of wine on the window sill, and there are 2 glasses on the small trolley thing.
I’ve said ‘ do you want a glass?’ and he’s said no. I ask if I should have a glass, and he’s said ‘ probably’.
I pour one, and with a smile ask him just how bad it is.
I tell him that just like my car, with its dent, which is fixable, then so is my skeleton if it falls apart. I feel a ‘detachment ‘from my body, as I do a car, as though it’s not really a part of me.
He then says that actually it’s far more complicated than a car door, due to the higher risks of infection when they go in a fourth time.
My ‘ cage ‘ has moved some more. If they leave it, then there’ll be a point where it ‘ springs off’ – his expression, not mine.
He’s got to operate again, to undo it and rebuild it, with bigger screws and another plate. He’s asked me not to move at all for the next 50 hours til the op
In case the whole cage just breaks off
The infection risk is far greater, and they’ll ‘ soak it all ‘ in antibiotics, and then close me up, and be extremely careful for a fair time after, not to move or twist me.
I genuinely think he was really perplexed by my smile and complete acceptance of the situation. He kept apologising.
It was obviously the last thing that he’d expected. He said they’d lifted my whole midriff up, holding onto the metal work, and it had held.
I knew that it’d shifted again, as I’m aware that my trunk is slightly more to the right than it was – a few mm only. I guess I’ve got a good eye for detail?
I’ve always been good at straightening paintings on walls, in the same way…
So, it’s back in theatre on Thursday pm, and then back to the same cycle of drug induced euphoria followed by a ‘downer’, as last time.
I remain completely positive, as in 100%.
What else can I do?
If it all gets infected, then I think I’m in SERIOUS trouble.
This next time, I might wake up dead, as they say in Wales… along with lots of other expressions that make no sense at all ( but are funny – like ‘ I’ll be there now, in a minute ‘ )
But no point moaning about it, right?
I think though that I’ve used up all my luck.
( smiley face emoji )