Friday

I spasm when I move, I spasm when I cough – I spasm when I do nothing at all. Any situation which involves my spine moving gives rise to jerking of both legs.

It does seem now to be best ( least spasm’y ) when I’m in bed, which not long ago was the other way around.

I can’t spend all my time in bed, however, though I know that that’s often an outcome for the likes of me, and also for the depressed. Given that it’s very hard not to feel very pissed off most of the time, it is an option, though I can’t see myself ending up that way.

Quite a lot of my mates are in France, or have been, to watch stages of the Tour ( de France ). I would have been there too, but for obvious reasons find myself not invited ( quite sensibly ) though it’s still a bit tough when I think about that, so I try not to.

I had spells of absolute sadness today, but I have to press on and get past, removing thoughts of self termination.
It’s so often minute by minute, rather than one day at a time.

I’ve been warned ( by my psychiatrist ) of the likelihood of severe depression during my forthcoming 5-6 weeks in hospital. I’ll obviously have to focus on the likely improvement that surgery will induce…. but what if it doesn’t transpire that it helps me very much? That wouldn’t be good.

I had a glass of red wine earlier. It was the last part of the bottle. As I drank the last mouthful, I felt something in my mouth, that I presumed was sediment in the wine. When I plucked the thing from my mouth, it was a large dead fly.

I showed my two daughters – Lily recoiled in disgust. Amber said ‘ if you give me £50 I’ll eat it ‘
I refused to go any higher than £20 so it didn’t happen.

Amazing how 2 people with more or less the same genes can be so different, isn’t it?

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