When you find yourself in a situation that you really, really didn’t expect to be, and you have to finally accept it, because you have no other choice ( that involves staying alive ) it does make you more alert to the world around you where in fact you do have choices.
As well as being unexpectedly paralysed, I find myself being unexpectedly divorced too. As I have come to accept that reality, I have found myself looking around and tuning into other people’s marriages, in a way that I’d never have done before. It is no doubt controversial of me to even write about this, but since I’m in it, it qualifies me to. The paralysed get divorced more often than the non paralysed for lots of reasons. Paralysis is pretty upsetting for the victim…… depression is normal, bitterness is normal, anger is normal, blame is normal, unemployment is normal, apathy is normal, tears are normal, having to move house is normal, not being able to go on normal holidays is obviously normal, limiting other people to doing limited things when they’re with you is obviously normal, etc etc.
It’s no wonder they get left!
I don’t think that many of those reasons are why I’m going to be single, but for sure some of them are in there, whether admitted to, or not.
Anyway, that list isn’t exclusive, not all of it, to the paralysed. Normal people get quite a lot of those things too, in life, and more besides, particularly the psychological bits.
As I look and listen, I realise how many people are not that happy. And frankly, it’s their marriages that are the main issue. They just aren’t in love any more. They’re not even in like. They just soldier on through, getting on each other’s tits pretty much all of the time. They don’t really like each other’s company, but deny each other ‘ the permission ‘ to have fun elsewhere, through some misguided possessiveness that says ‘ you can’t have fun, unless I have it too ‘. ( NB ‘Fun’ doesn’t mean/include sex with other people.)
What the f*** is that about? Women are worse for clamping down on their male partner’s activities, I’d say (though it can definitely be a mutual two way strangulation, or just one way from the male. As I hear it mostly from men, I have more evidence from a male’s perspective ) , but I can’t fathom why that should be. My own marriage was always based on not limiting each other, right from the outset, and I definitely wasn’t limited either, and my wife neither. If I had been limited, my reaction would have been to do it anyway, with extra, but that didn’t really happen. I was definitely aware that other blokes just ‘ couldn’t believe my luck ‘ but ffs that is just ridiculous! You do not get betrothed to cage your partner, unless you’re disturbed. But lots of people, most people, start doing that straight away, and then continue to do that until they divorce or die.
I see just how many people would be a lot happier divorced than where they are. But there is another way…. just calm the f*** down and loosen the chains. I know so many lovely couples, who spend all their time denying each other freedom to have more fun. I must stress that that was not my own situation.
The marriage vows should be altered to ‘ love, honour and let him/her go out and have a laugh whenever it’s possible, if he/ her wants to ‘
But there’s not much chance of that happening, sadly. Instead, marriage rates will fall and divorce rates will rise, as people don’t want to be encaged for ever.
But it’s all so avoidable.
PS not every single marriage is like I’ve described. There are some good ones! I’m tempted to name a few good ones, but in doing so there’d be an assumption that if yours isn’t in the list….