My mate Paul and his blind dog Bolt have now started ‘ starring’ in TV commercials for Blind Dogs.
I said to Paul
I knew from the moment I saw Bolt that he was heading places.
What you gonna do Paul once he’s the new Lassie and livin the dream in LA ?
I said .. I can see it now …
‘ what’s happened Bolt ?’
‘ Paul’s fallen down the well !?’
( barking )
‘ What Bolt, you told him he should be more careful, the blind fucker ?’
I’ll keep going, eat more food ( or I’ll disappear ) and do more resistance work ( ie same effect as using weights.. which I can’t pick up )
So I had a UTI raging inside my body for I imagine no more than 72 hours. In that time I managed to be argumentative on Facebook, be snappy to my girlfriend, not want to go and meet up with mates and think about suicide a fair bit.
As none of the above count as habitual behaviour, I can conclude that a UTI is an INCREDIBLY DESTRUCTIVE thing for me. I was aware in my interactions over a few days that my impulse was to see the negatives in any situation, and that my responses ought be/ were justified in being, negative. I was aware of my thought process, wondered why to myself at first ( but didn’t stop myself ) , then once I realised I had an infection had the thought, analysed why, put it down to my infection, but still couldn’t stop me being adverse. As the antibiotics took effect, I’d have negative impulses, but found myself able to now rationalise those impulses, realise they weren’t helpful, and suppress them from being expressed.
So now put this situation into a TWO YEAR PERIOD where I either had a UTI, was getting a UTI, or I was ‘ recovering’ from a UTI. Two years, 830 days of it. And not even bloody realising the connection between my negative mindset ( which trust me isn’t ‘ me ‘ at all ) and an infection. They don’t tell you at the doctor’s, or in the hospital. The psychiatrist ( well several) I saw asked all about my medical history, but didn’t once make a connection and EXPLAIN it to me.
So there I am, freshly paralysed, beyond sad about that, but also now in the grip of a mind and personality altering, unbeknown to me, internal fever that I didn’t even know I had to try to control at all costs.
Rétrospectively it’s no surprise to me that in that 2 years I lost my marriage, my home, my business, many friends, and my children.
And the thing is that once people form an opinion of your personality, they are generally pretty unforgiving. I bet the vast majority of people reading this have fallen out ( quite possibly permanently ) with a friend or acquaintance because of just ONE comment/ incident. So imagine if you knew me, met me 20 times and every time came away thinking
‘blimey, that wasn’t much fun, can’t he just cheer the F up, it’s not like he’s dead ‘… well to be honest there’s not much impulse to meet up with me a 21st time, is there? And once you’ve ‘decided ‘ about me, then that’s generally it. The next time you see me and I smile at you, the smile makes no difference, because you have already ‘ decided’ about me. The next 20 smiles also make no difference, and now actually the one at fault is you… and bear in mind that the smiling person ( me ) doesn’t actually realise what he’s guilty of… because it wasn’t deliberate. He’s then bewildered by your coldness to him.
The only person who unfailingly ‘ stuck by me ‘ through it all ( out of the people that saw me day in day out, that is… because to ‘know’ you do have to see it all )
‘ whatever the weather’ was Pia. She always had time to help me, and yes, it was help without which the consequences would have been terminal on many occasions.
UTI’s can massively affect the moods of people who have dementia onset, the elderly in general, and take it from me, at least some of those who have trauma to their spinal cords.
So the lesson here, in general, and not specifically about me at all, is to understand that the reaction of a relative, friend or colleague in a certain situation, is really really NOT necessarily at all a deliberate one, or a spiteful one, and not necessarily AIMED at you, but could be simply due to events or illness or medication that have temporarily adversely affected that person’s disposition.
Please do your best, after a negative incident, to FORGIVE… and not condemn, and not throw away a friendship.
Neither of you benefit from the loss.
IWasn’t good last night. Spasming a lot. Awake a lot. Then the feelings of paranoia and negativity start. That’s when I know.
Also sediment in my wee.
Urologist told me before to double dose on antibiotics for first 2 days. That causes rapid resolution for me.
Seems to be working thank goodness
I just have to get through the thoughts that are so invasive of my head. It’s like being possessed.
So im out meeting Paul the Blindman, with his dog Bolt. I’ve gone to his house for a garden beer and there’s a stream at the bottom of his garden.
I wheeled through his garden and got some duck shit on my left hand in the process.
I didn’t have a cloth or any water… so i turned the tap to empty on my bag of wee attached to my leg, and I washed my hand in wee. Obviously my wee is like pure spring water… and given the choice between that lovely liquid and duck shit… it’s a NO BRAINER!
Down by the river again. Three girls, all about 24, CLEARLY not seen each other for ages, meet for a picnic.
Hugs, kisses, food sharing .. no distancing.
Pandemic over, right? What’s the problem?!
ALL THREE ON FURLOUGH ( I overheard ). So their employers are taking the lockdown seriously, the Government is even paying them to be socially responsible (!) yet they have NO FING IDEA what their obligations to society are.
And THIS is the problem. ‘ Well I haven’t got it, so what’s wrong with me kissing my mates? They haven’t got it so they can’t give it to me !’
Only the Chinese have the structures in place to MAKE the population behave responsibly. Left to their own devices people are mind numbingly stupid.
The lockdown in Britain will prove to have been a complete waste of time. Sad, isn’t it ?
Hang on, a bloke of about 40 just arrived. Hugs and kisses all round again.
And now another guy, about 25 too. Same routine.
To be honest, I am actually really really shocked.
And a big thank you to Wendy, to Pia, to Chris Cats, to Toby and Cress, and to Glenn, Dickon, Robbie, Sam and Churchy and Toby again for making my 7 year paralysis anniversary day ( and the one after ) far better than it has been in the past.
Just spent a few hours with Chris Cats down by the river. It’s a hot and sunny day, and lots of people are out. Pubs are serving drinks for take away, or people are bringing a bottle.
What’s very evident is that there is a behavioural line separating the youth from say their parents. The 18/22 year olds are behaving almost exactly as they did Pre Corona, grouping close together and sharing physically and spatially.
When this virus has the next spike, which I believe it certainly will, it’ll have been THAT age group which caused it. They themselves won’t be ill, but they’ll be responsible for much suffering.
It IS all very predictable.
Going forward though I don’t think there’ll be another lockdown. It’ll be for the vulnerable to avoid contact with carriers. For some that’ll be impossible, as they are dependent on the aid of the youth, so they’ll perish, but for those that have the capacity and ability to reduce to a minimum their chances of catching it, then it’s going to be up to them to do just that. To expect ‘ everyone not at risk ‘ to stymie their lifestyles indefinitely in order to save the vulnerable, isn’t a realistic proposition. Humans are way too selfish to stop doing what they WANT to do, for the sake of others’ health.
A vaccine is the only hope for many, many people, that and making yourself less vulnerable by making yourself more resistant through diet and exercise.
Interesting times ahead.
Jesus, I only something out today – that a lad I was in school with, a really funny lad too, lost his father to suicide whilst in school. Then his brother committed suicide some time after that.
And his mum was found dead, officially of hypothermia, in a field at the top of a local ( small ) mountain.
To think I saw Keith, from time to time, and wondered why he didn’t seem ‘ that friendly ‘ now makes sense. Not many people would still be smiling a lot, after that loss.