Distraction is the key to my survival.

So what does a guy in a wheelchair do?

He goes to the Royal Geographical Society – last night was a talk – Brexit – the reasons and consequences. Good!

Before that, the Science Museum.

Before that the gym.

Recently, searching for a carer – online and through advertising.

I went to the Shard on Friday – go at 5 and watch London light up over  the next 2 hours, and drink wine….?

Invite your best friends around and thrash them at Bananagrams.

Go and help in a local school – kids are sooo entertaining!

Do your groceries online…

Provide paddling technique lessons to your mates.

Go to the theatre.

Go to the iMax and see amazing stuff in 3D.

Go to gigs – your companion goes free, as your helper.

Go to tonight’s debate on the West London Cycle SuperHighway, and say something provocative to get someone going…

Go to endless hospital appointments to do with catheters and skin cancer, and X Rays.

Read letters from your lawyer.

Meet up with a Mum whose son is in a wheelchair and needs advice.

Go and watch the local Amateur Dram plays – because actually they’re very good !

Buy fake tattoo sleeves online and wear them somewhere posh, so people look at you sniffily ( and then see their faces as you peel them off – then they smile! )

Go to the gym and do what you can, not to get fat, as that would only add to your multitude of problems…

And that’s it, really.

Oh, and chat online to usually dull females who are far too easily offended, but very occasionally find one that’s a real laugh…  and then after a bit mention the wheelchair, and see what happens next – interesting !

 

An email correspondance with a ‘ carer ‘ that Stella found –

 

Hello Robert

I send to Stella my email and she pass it on to you.

Before I come on Sat. 21 Oct for interview . I just want to make sure with you what is your daily or weekly rate.   Maybe you can also tell me more about the work.

Thanks so much.  Hope to hear from you soon.

 

Enna

 

Hi Russel

Sorry through your name is Robert.

 

Enna

 

Me to E –

Hi there.
It would depend on how you are.
Cash?

Russ

 

Hi Russel

Sorry  I cannot do business like this.  That say nothing.  I am working for not less than £*** – ***per day.

 

Enna

Me to E –

I offer £***
But you also get to live in an lovely  apartment.
And I don’t need 24 hour attention.
🙂

 

Russel

I am working in East Horsley just see that P**** get his pills and his easy ready meals 3 times a day do no cleaning or ironing at all and in a beautiful house too. I get here also £***per day. Have no night calls and he do everything for himself.

I finish here on Sat. 21 Oct if you want to have a interview with me then it will be perfect like Stella said after 12.

 

Looking forward to meet you all then if it is ok with you.

 

Enna

 

Me to E –

Why does P**** need a carer?

Russ

 

Russel

His wife is away on holiday.  She cannot leave him alone.

Enna

 

Me to Enna-

Why not?

What is his condition ?

Russ

 

Russell

He is in the beginning of Altzheimer, but is still very good to help himself with most things just forget sometimes to take his medicine and are not very steady on his feet.  He also cannot prepare his own food.

Is that answer your question?

Enna

 

Me to Enna –

 

Who does the cleaning and laundry ?

Russ

 

Russel

Cleaner,  gardening  and secretary is coming in once a week do all the cleaning and ironing etc.  I just make-up is bed in the morning see that his bathroom is clean clean.  Always clean the kItchen and see that everything is clean allover.   Put washing in the washing machine and tumble dryer etc.  Drive him around with his car.

That is all my duties.

Enna

 

Me to Enna-

Do you wear your tiara whilst you warm up his ready made meals?

Russ

Enna to Stella –

Stella

How long are you work for Russel? First time somebody asked stupid funny questions. He sounds like if he is not a grown up man but very childish to me. What do you have to do for him? Any personal help?

Can you tell me more? How long do you work for him?

Enna

 

Russell

I just want to make sure if you want me for an interview or not.

If so my husband can bring me on Saturday before we go back to Wellingborough.

 

Thanks.

Enna

 

Me to E –

Dear Enna,

Thank you for getting in touch, however based on your correspondence with me so far, I do not feel that you show the qualities I would be looking for.

I need someone who doesn’t feel like they are working for me, but someone who works in partnership with me. Also, I would not want someone who would be limited to the bare minimum for a rate above and beyond the usual rate.

I do wish you well in the future, and I really do  hope that you are able to help P**** enjoy his life, as opposed to make him feel that you are just there to make money.

Many thanks,

Russ

 

Carer needed. From November 7th, when Stella leaves.

A female live in assistant required to help me.
I had a cycling accident 4 years ago, and I’m now in a wheelchair, and single.
I need help with some personal care, such as washing and dressing, and getting into and out of bed because I just can’t do that by myself.

I’m out a lot and i make every effort to fill my days and evenings, but I do need assistance with things like cleaning and laundry, and I’m a hopeless cook, so you’d need to be able to do that. I’d need you to accompany me sometimes when I go places, especially if I drive as I can’t get into or out of the car without assistance. If you are over 25 with a clean licence I could put you on my car insurance, though that’s not essential.

I need someone that’s reasonably physically strong, and not allergic to exercise, but by no means a body builder… You’d need to be able to put my wheelchair in my car for example ( but my 12 year old daughter can do that, for example, so it’s not exactly heavy )

A full time live in could be perfect or else 2 people that can work by rotation.

I live in a lovely apartment, and you’d have your own bedroom ( obviously ) and ensuite bathroom, and full use of all facilities here. It’s in Chiswick and near a tube station and bus routes, and a railway station. Of course there is wifi and cable TV etc, and a great sound system, including on the roof terrace.
I might need you to come to the cinema and live music too. I buy the popcorn as well, and the drinks.

I need a fun personality, who appreciates life, and is proactive and sociable , and doesn’t mind staying up late sometimes.

I use a gym every day, and you can use it too, if you come with me. I can give you endless fitness tips, if you like.

Apply early to beat the rush… 🙂

Russ

Stella sent me this.

A Syrian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Great Britain.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Britishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income support, free medical care, free housing and a free education!”
The passer-by says, “You are mistaken, I am Egyptian.”
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Great Britain.”
The person says, “I not British, I am Pakistani.”
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful country Great Britain!”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Afghanistan. I am not British.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you a British woman?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.” Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the British?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”😎

Sexy times…

As I’ve been inundated with questions as to what happened at the Sex Clinic (well, 2 people asked me ) I thought I’d better  fess up.

When you’re paralysed, everything below your spinal break doesn’t work any more – and I mean nothing at all – although with drug assistance/ aids, it can, though not properly or completely. When in Stoke Mandeville Hospital i was amazed by the lack of communication about this subject from health professionals. I had one ( voluntary ) chat with Michelle, the paralysis sexpert, herself in a wheelchair, and she told me all about ‘sex post paralysis ‘. I have to say that it was completely pointless and unhelpful, relying on her own experience as a Paralysed WOMAN. She told me all about romantic baths and candles and  lighting – all very nice, all that, except it wasn’t clear how I’d get in and out of the bath, especially with all that slippery bath oil all over the place, with the certain fire hazard of lit candles and a paraplegic covered in oil….

So essentially I learned F All from Michelle, unless  I’d ended up recovering from paralysis and then got with a paraplegic woman, who I could lift in and out of the bath without setting fire to her.

So, back to this appointment – Ms Wood questioned me mainly about the strength of my own ‘ Wood’, asking me to rate it out of 10 in different situations. In some of those situations I can neither feel it nor see it, as it’s ‘ somewhere else ‘ … so I had to guess. She explained that there are different drugs that work on different response times, varying from 10 minutes after swallowing to 2 hours, tho most stay in your system for 24 hours, apparently, but do rely on ‘ stimulation ‘ to take effect.

Then i was sent to see Judith, who was the Keeper of The Vibrator. Judith explained that she was just going to slip into something more comfortable and came back in a different nurse’s uniform – shorter skirt, sheerer stockings, and her hair now untied and tousled. Her already red stilettos and matching nail varnish was now complemented with crimson lipstick. The lights dimmed, and the music on, she then went to work, shooting me flirty glances and calling me Big Boy.

Apparently after a few minutes of being vibrated, anything is possible. After 4 years, it’s quite feasible that she’d have had to swim out of the room, dragging me with her to save my life, or even that it can all come out a funny colour, having been in storage for some time…  I was certainly expecting Judith to have to stand back to avoid being pebbledashed, or at least to wear a wipe down poncho and a face visor.

What actually happened next will have to remain unsaid, for the sake of and minors reading this, or potential next wives, the latter for whom I’d rather it be a special moment between us.

I did my utmost to embarrass Stella, by saying that she was a casual internet date with a vested interest in the Orgasmatron machine that was being tested.

A post coital cigarette shared by Judith and I later, and then we were on our way back to London, a few pounds lighter.

Enough said…

Friday.

So Brixton Academy is accessible by iBot. The tube station in Brixton has a lift and the venue has a crazily illegally steep ramp to get in.

Sundara Karma could be the next big thing. All they need to set the world alight is one really catchy song, to get noticed ( I think ).  If you can sell 3000 tickets and you’re not even famous, then you must be quite talented.

Ricky Gervais is funny. He doesn’t care what he says, and if you’re offended then it’s your problem, not his. He doesn’t seek to offend in the first place, but if you’re a wallflower type, then you definitely didn’t ought to go and see him live. He says c*** an awful lot, but doesn’t only rely on swearing for laughs; far from it. He said that he and his brother had  a philosophy that if something funny comes into your head, that you should just say it, and think about the consequences after. I must admit that I feel much the same way about life, though obviously it can get you into hot water, as it has him, often. He talked about him and his brother, Bob, when they were teenagers and stopped by a copper in their car. As the PC bent over to check one of the car lights, his helmet fell off and a pack of 20 cigarettes fell out from the inside. The copper said ‘ I bet you lads always wondered what a policeman has under his helmet, eh?’

Bob just blurted out  ‘ well I knew it wasn’t fucking brains ‘ …

Can you imagine saying that to a policeman 30 odd years ago?!?

Here we go…

Im in Stanmore hospital, waiting for my Sex Appointment.

The letter was entitled ‘ Vibrator’.
Im not sure what bit they’re going to vibrate, or where they’re going to insert it?

Perhaps they’re going to give me tips on how to use one on a female ? God knows, or rather the appropriately named Sharon WOOD does…

Perhaps she strips and tries to get me in the mood…. I have no idea..

I’ll tell you what happens next..!

Robinson Crusoe, me.

People in my situation – the Spinally Cord Injured – nearly always suffer from varying degrees of bladder and bowel problems. Very sadly it’s just how it is when half your body ( or far more )  just doesn’t work properly or at all.

I’ve documented that I had a stoma operation and have a colostomy bag, as that really is an improvement on how it was before I had that operation. Still though, I have problems, as my intestines don’t work properly, as they did before. I have had lots of bloating and spasms. It seems now that I may have happened across a solution though ? If I eat half a coconut per day ( thats about 40 pence ) then  i basically shit for Wales, albeit into a handy bag on my front. I’m far less bloated and look a lot leaner ?!

Coconut is obviously good for you – ask anyone that has been shipwrecked on a desert island and they’ll tell you.

So don’t be shy, eat coconut if you’re constipated ?

( the shy bit was a pun, btw …)