April 20th 2018

Well it’s not plain sailing,  moving to another country where you don’t know anyone,  and rather restricted by being too physically messed up to do things that you actually would love to do.

I feel myself sliding a bit, I must say. That was predictable, wasn’t it really?

Perhaps my choice of distraction hasn’t been ideal… so far I’ve listened to a detailed audiobook account of the horrors of The Nazi Final Solution – ‘ Auschwitz – a doctor’s eyewitness account ‘ a book that everyone in the world  ( over 16 ? ) ought read. It was mesmerising and compelling listening but for all the wrong reasons. It is literally beyond comprehension what Hitler made happen there, and in other similar concentration camps.

Then i totally inadvertently watched The Book Thief – more Nazi death  and Anti Semitism.

Then Hostel – a Tarantino horror which is about as sick as it gets, and everyone gets killed  – though the fiction in no way even compared to the reality of Auschwitz

My endless email commitments to my housing intentions go on and on, as well as my ‘ other legal situation ‘ in hand, my inability to use my Mountain Trike as I used to does get to me – the surgeon that rendered me far more unable than I was, when i committed myself to having my Back straightened, is in my mind quite a lot, as I struggle badly to self propel that exercise chair. How I ended up like this is ( in my opinion, and possibly that of other qualified professionals ) just criminal – when it was sold to me as making my life better…

So things are not all ok, I’d say. I’ll be here until at least late June before I’m likely to be able to do anything else, and that’s a long time, long enough to unhinge me if I’m not careful, though I’m not sure what the answer is.  Coming back for a bit is hardly straightforward, as the flights and transfers themselves are just unpleasant, and when I get back I’d have nowhere suitable to go, anyway, so it’s probably best avoided, on balance.

Of course I haven’t eased off on the prescribed antidepressants, knowing full well in the back of my head that optimism was probably a bit misplaced really. The weather isn’t even good, which is a bit of a surprise- that supposedly being the guaranteed consolation prize.

One of my University friends has what is probably terminal cancer, which is let’s face it going to happen to more and more contemporaries of mine, given the statistics. I’ve been in touch and had a response though I sense all ahead is going to be worse for him than it currently is. The thoughts that he will be having will be familiar ones to me, these last 5 years.

Someone else I know is being buried today- this person actually crossed the road to avoid me after seeing me in my wheelchair after my release from hospital, much to my sadness. Today he is hopefully surrounded by people who would not have crossed the road to avoid him, had he been struck down, but who knows … funerals can be attended by people who perhaps just felt guilty in real life for not keeping in touch whilst the deceased was alive, as well as those truly compassionate who might attend.

I went to my schoolmate’s funeral on April 6th in Wales, as I’m sure i wrote, but perhaps i didn’t – we missed the moving church service by being delayed on the M4 from London, but Ian ( if you believe in such things ) would have known I was there at the cremation, paying my respects and saying things to him inside my mind.  It was good to see a few old school friends- particularly Charlie- who apparently reads this diary, and Leigh, as well as my Mum and Dad and brother Stu.

Ashley thought my slightly awry sense of humour was peculiar to me…until she met the rest of my family (!)

Im trying dairy and gluten free to see what that does for me, after advice from Brian the Quadraplegic – who really is quite a clever guy, I must say. Brian was paralysed jumping into a lake on a supervised adventure holiday, at 15, so really knows what a terrible life changer it is, yet really is an inspiration to me, i must say. I’d hoped to be able to buy a home near him in London, but there was no way that I could afford Battersea prices, ultimately, so visits will have to do.

Christ I know all that reads a tad negatively ( because it is ) but hey, I’ll bounce back hopefully soonish.


2 thoughts on “April 20th 2018

  1. This might be a good time to write that book about your experiences “so far”. As an encouragement and inspiration to some and awareness raising for others. Then perhaps in future you COULD afford Battersea! :^)

    You also might take up painting or sculpting clay. Good ways to pass the time in addition to reading. Try for some reading that is more encouraging and inspiring. At least until the weather improves.

    I do understand *only too well* where your thoughts go and why. It’s totally understandable when you are continually dealing with the ongoing consequences of certain things. I have past experiences and people of my own my own which come to my mind unbidden from time to time, too. I find it’s best not to dwell. Though often easier said than done. And make the most of what we can. Which I think you truly do.

    Ashley looks lovely. Llucky you!

    Keep your chin up, as my dad used to always tell me when I was in a rough patch.


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