It’ll be 2 years tomorrow that I left Stoke Mandeville hospital. I couldn’t wait to leave that place, having missed the outside world.

I don’t know what I expected, but it was ‘ better times’.

The reality has transpired not to be better times.

Being paralysed in the outside world is not better than being paralysed in hospital.

I’ve suffered a never ending sequence of bad luck, infections, injuries and events that have depressed me and tormented me. My non stop spasming continues as I write this.

There has been a change in my thinking. This has not become ‘a mental challenge ‘. It’s an awful physical challenge that my mind has refused to accept as being ok.

That’s because it’s not ok. It doesn’t get better by ‘ having a nice cup of tea ‘ , by ‘ having a nice holiday ‘ , ‘ having a nice hot bath ‘ or any of  the ‘ normal ‘ things that apply.  I’ve declined  to go out this evening to  someone’s house ( date arranged a long time ago ) because I just don’t want to go out.  I’ve declined to catch the already paid for flight to  Portugal on Monday too.  Like I said ‘ a few nice  days away  in the sun ‘ doesn’t make things better – not to me. Dani is angry that I ‘ can’t  just come on a family holiday ‘  Well it’s not a holiday for me.  I obviously want them to go anyway, but they may opt not to  – not my call.

Dani being angry helps me – I deserve the anger and have no defence.

‘It’ hasn’t gotten any better. I can safely assume I think that it won’t.  Why should it?

It’s not a question of what next anymore. It’s a question of when.

‘ Talking to someone’ may well work if you are physically fine but depressed about something or other. That’s a ‘normal world ‘ solution. I don’t live in the normal world though.  My injury can’t be fixed by talking. It’s not a ‘ chemical imbalance in my brain’ – my brain is perfectly rational. My mind is having to deal with my injury, and to accept that it’s ok.

Its not ok, and it’ll never be ok, not for me.

Dani and I are talking to someone tomorrow morning –  to me it’s for her, not for me.  Dani’s ‘ problems ‘ are all emotional and fixable, mine are  not.

People go on to do amazing things post wheelchair, right?   Actually, they’re amazing things done  given  they’re in a wheelchair – to able bodied people they’re usually commonplace achievements.

If I’m regarded as selfish next, then so be it – I was always selfish, you ask Dani.

If I’m cowardly, then so be it. Stick it on my head stone in big letters.

I was all too often an absent Dad, so I’ll just be reverting to type ( though on an extended basis )

I have tried to make a difference, in my return to work,  to various students and colleagues, though the nature of that work is that it’s expected  rather than appreciated,  so I get little in the way of positive recognition or gratitude.

It all adds up to one route.

Lily has gone away on a school trip, full of excitement and smiles, as always. I made her take a picture of her and I before she left, but  spent the hours around her departure close to tears or in tears. I remember the joy of her birth, back when all seemed perfect.

Amber seems not too concerned about not going away, but Dani says she may as well bloody go to work ( logical )

That’ll give me some time alone, so that’s good.

 

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