I don’t think that I truly believed that this injury would ever become more of a mental struggle than a physical one – so great and obvious was the bodily impact on me. Yet now I think that it has. Today I think I reached a low point, where I stared into space with no purpose, no will, no desire to continue, no hope, no sense of duty to my loved ones, no nothing, only despair so total that I wanted the abyss to swallow me up and in doing so release me.
Today I was scheduled to see TWO psychiatric practitioners – one a psychotherapist, and the next a consultant psychiatrist. It was coincidence that my huge downturn arrived on this double date day, but as I write this I’m relieved that it did, and that help was at hand.
I didn’t expect that I would be pulled from the morass, and I’m not sure that I really was pulled, but yet I am not as mortifyingly without hope as I was – just because I talked to people and received the constant love and support of Danielle, who didn’t leave my side all day.
I didn’t trust myself to drive to work without injury to myself or anyone else, so I didn’t go in today, which was the only rational thought I had up until my 6 pm appt, the day passing in a general haze.
Thanks to Dr Hopley for his help. It’s double dose medication from now on, too.
I don’t care, I just don’t want to revisit that place I’ve seen today.