Five years ago, tonight, I was helped into bed, after watching a film with my then help, Stella.
I watched her close the door behind her, and gave it an hour or so.
Then I got my legs into a cross legged position, and then pushed a kitchen knife into the inner top of my left leg.

When I pulled the knife out, the blood came out in a jet, as if from a hosepipe. I remember thinking ‘ blimey, this’ll definitely work!’
And shortly after, I imagine I slipped into unconsciousness.

Unpredictably, and definitely unexpectedly, Stella got a message from Pia, asking her to check on me. I’m told that Stella said ‘ he’s fine, he’s in bed ‘
But she apparently checked anyway, finding me unconscious, in a pool of blood, and to all intents and purposes, almost dead.
Well that was the plan!

Stella apparently plugged the wound with something, and then gave me chest compression, as I’d stopped breathing and my heart had stopped.
With her other hand (?) she called 999.
Not long after I was apparently on a stretcher, in a helicopter..

To wake up in a hospital, to wake up ( alive ) was pretty confusing and actually very unwelcome.
I’d got my affairs in order etc, including written a Will.

My only thoughts for a while were ‘ right I’ll have to do this again, but properly in the middle of the night, so that there was ABSOLUTELY no chance of ‘ being saved ‘ again. Well I didn’t want bloody saving.. ! I’d made my choice, and was very hacked off that my choice had been overturned.

Would I do it now? No I wouldn’t. But it’s only since October 2021 that suicide stopped being my inevitability.
It’s still a novelty to not feel that way, and I didn’t ever think a non suicidal mindset would ever materialise, and still a shock to ‘ feel happy’, I can tell you!

Had I still been walking around healthily, then I’d have had for more options as a way out method…
But had I still been walking around healthily, I wouldn’t ever have had those thoughts in the first place!
Anyone reading this who has dark thoughts, and is in possession of a healthy body, please don’t waste it. A body that works is amazing gift from Nature. Please appreciate it.

I definitely miss the one I had.