You kind of hope, after the couple of years I’ve had, that things would slowly improve.
One wheel ( no, I’m refusing to write ‘step’ ) forward, and 3 wheels back, is how it often is.
I get fairly good times occasionally, but invariably something happens to put me back on my paralysed arse.
Friends continue to help me move forward, trying their utmost ( thanks to Marky P, Larry, Jeremy Day and Neil ) but the Russ Mark 2 is entwined with the Russ Mark 1 and that doesn’t always help the new version.
The old me was in general a good person, but the new me is definitely better. People who have an axe to grind can be very unforgiving, and can’t leave the past in the past.
For some reason I didn’t die on the road in June 2013 – divine intervention or medical expertise saved me. Either way I was given a second chance.
Since my injury stops me from doing the things I used to enjoy, now I get far more pleasure from giving to other people, whether it be material things, or by talking and giving my take on a situation. I look at the world through different eyes now and have different opinions from before. Indeed I wasn’t a very deep thinker before! Having a brain trauma often changes people, whether that’s because as the brain heals, it gets rewired differently, I don’t know, but I’m definitely not the same person I was.
I have an opportunity contribute in a different way, but my efforts are being thwarted by some, which makes it far harder.
I do often consider giving up and taking the Out Option. People tell me I can’t do that, and it’s cowardly. I don’t think that’s a fair reflection. Unless you’ve been in the situation, you have no idea what it’s like to be there – I didn’t, that’s for sure. Exiting of course leaves a hole in people’s lives, but it’s very easy to justify your actions by telling yourself that you won’t be missed, and that the world is a better place without you.
My counsellor tells me that I need serious help – part of the problem is that I m unable to convince myself that I’m worth the effort, so I don’t make the effort to seek help.
I have to help myself, I’m told. I’ve tried very hard for 2 years, but I keep coming back to the same place – that there isn’t much point – there has to be better use of people’s resources than to waste it on a hopeless case.
I wrote a Will the other night – get your affairs in order and all that. In the modern way I wrote it in Notes, on my iPhone- not exactly a feather quill and parchment paper. I sent it to Dani. It was pretty short, most stuff to her, some to my girls, a few other things to important people so they’d remember me, a few details about my funeral, no flowers etc
Everyone should have a Will, right? Otherwise it creates an admin nightmare for somebody to sort out.
I asked for my ashes to be tipped down a drain, summing up my value of myself .