You kind of hope, after the couple of years I’ve had, that things would slowly improve.

One wheel ( no, I’m refusing to write ‘step’ ) forward, and 3 wheels back, is how it often is.

I get fairly good times occasionally, but invariably something happens to put me back on my paralysed arse.

Friends continue to help me move forward, trying their utmost ( thanks to Marky P, Larry, Jeremy Day and Neil ) but the Russ Mark 2 is entwined with the Russ Mark 1 and that doesn’t always help the new version.

The old me was in general a good person, but the new me is definitely better. People who have an axe to grind can be very unforgiving, and can’t leave the past in the past.

For some reason I didn’t die on the road in June 2013 – divine intervention or medical expertise saved me. Either way I was given a second chance.

Since my injury stops me from doing the things I used to enjoy, now I get far more pleasure from giving to other people, whether it be material things, or by talking and giving my take on a situation.  I look at the world through different eyes now and have different opinions from before. Indeed I wasn’t a very deep thinker before!  Having a brain trauma often changes people, whether that’s because as the brain heals, it gets rewired differently, I don’t know, but I’m definitely not the same person I was.

I have an opportunity contribute in a different way, but my efforts are being thwarted by some, which makes it far harder.

I do often consider giving up and taking the Out Option. People tell me I can’t do that, and it’s cowardly.  I don’t think that’s a fair reflection. Unless you’ve been in the situation, you have no idea what it’s like to be there – I didn’t, that’s for sure.   Exiting of course leaves a hole in people’s lives, but it’s very easy to justify your actions by telling yourself that you won’t be missed, and that the world is a better place without you.

My counsellor tells me that I need serious help – part of the problem is that I m unable to convince myself that I’m worth the effort, so I don’t make the effort to seek help.

I have to help myself, I’m told. I’ve tried very hard for 2 years, but I keep coming back to the same place – that there isn’t much point – there has to be better use of people’s resources than to waste it on a hopeless case.

I wrote a Will the other night – get your affairs in order and all that.  In the modern way I wrote it in Notes, on my iPhone- not exactly a feather quill and parchment paper. I sent it to Dani. It was pretty short, most stuff to her, some to my girls, a few other things to important people so they’d remember me, a few details about my funeral, no flowers etc

Everyone should have a Will, right? Otherwise it creates an admin nightmare for somebody to sort out.

I asked for my ashes to be tipped down a drain, summing up my value of myself .


3 thoughts on “22/10/15

  1. My logic for you not topping yourself is not that it would be cowardly (look at what was written after Robin Williams killed himself), but that the world is a better place for having you in it – and specifically the new, improved you.
    Yes, improved.
    You contribute to the world now in ways you didn’t before. You raise awareness of depression, brain injury, disability, access, sport and perseverance, and you bring that awareness to hundreds, if not thousands, of people who probably need to understand these things better.
    Just this week I scolded a man in Sainsbury’s for parking across two disabled spaces because he wanted to get to the cashpoint. I was thinking of you when I told him he was lucky to be able to get out of his car so easily and walk to the cashpoint and he should have respect for people who can’t do that.
    So you’re making an impact on the world. And on at least one jerk in Sainsbury’s.

  2. Gosh, I cannot say I know you very well, not at all, but I continue to read these posts because it allows me to feel. Feel what? Sympathy, good luck, empathy, sadness. I also feel suicidal, and it doesn’t matter why, but I read with mixed emotions about your intentions. It causes me to think it’s not a good idea for me. So you’re inadvertently helping an almost stranger. I don’t have kids or a partner, so I would leave less pain behind than you would. It’s like staying married for the sake of the kids :).
    I’m deeply sorry for your pain Russ, and I wish it would be alleviated.

  3. Dear Russ
    Having just read your last two posts and dried my eyes I thought I’d get a few words down.

    You say that you feel an inconvenience to your friends although they show now sign of frustration. This is because they are not frustrated and want to do their best by you. Is that so difficult to accept? You know you would do the same if it was someone else in a wheelchair, without a second thought.

    Do you remember that I mentioned the difference between wanting to hang out with someone and feeling that I should do it out of pity? If it is the latter I would find some excuse not to be with them. Your true friends continue to hang out with you. Indeed you have a huge, and I mean HUGE circle of great friends. I know, because I see you constantly mentioning them in your blog.

    You write that your efforts are thwarted by some people, and that some (probably the same people) have slipped out of your social circle. What you need to remember is that they would react the same to anyone in your type of situation because they are too shallow to be able to handle it and you are better off without them. Don’t take on the burden of their failings.

    As for not feeling worth the effort and telling yourself you won’t be missed, as well as having an incredible wife, you have two girls that look up to you and adore you. They undoubtedly love you and appreciate you all the more as they know they could have lost you two years ago. They don’t need to tell you that as they rightly assume you know. They need you in Their lives. This point is non-negotiable!

    As for the world being a better place without you. What a load of cock!!! Everyone who knows you thinks you are an ace guy and I know, from reading some other people’s messages that you are a hero for many people.

    Yes, your counsellor is right. You do need serious help so invest time and if necessary money as it is probably the single most important thing you can do in the short/mid term. Think of it as an investment which will reap rewards in a more positive approach to life.

    Sending you big love
    Vee X

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