Monthly Archives: January 2019

I’m very aware that I’ve not posted anything for a while. That’s because I’ve been holding my breath and steeling myself for the inevitable – that inevitability being that something bad is going to happen. Because that’s what has always happened for almost 6 years now. Positives are always cancelled out by negatives, and yes, I’ve really had positive things happening in my life of late.

I’ve seen my daughters, Lily several times in fact. Lily has been offered a place at Oxford university to study English, which is a massive accomplishment on her part. I can’t imagine where she gets her ability to write from… it’s a mystery to me, that one…… but who cares.

I’ve seen my younger daughter, Amber too. Last night to commemorate Lily’s achievement I suggested we go to the top decks of The Shard, a 1000 feet up, a lofty perch on which to celebrate the pinnacle of Lily’s life thus far. Their mum came too, and fun was had by all of us together, something not that predictable not long ago.

Today I am taking Lily to see a play. Yes, things are so going in a straighter line of late. It’s not been that way for what seems an eternity, and it seems ever so strange for me, with the, as just mentioned, sense that the road I’m on has to suddenly surely zigzag crazily, because it always bloody does.

Through all this improvement, and quite possibly because of her presence, has been Wendy, certainly the most kind and thoughtful person that I’ve ever met.

Isn’t it good that her child and mine will both be at the same Uni next academic year? Who’d have thought it? Maybe they’ll breed?

Best not to think about that.


“Why I’m divorced.” Written by a man.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday,’ and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, ‘Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!’ It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, sam, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, sam said, ‘It’s such a beautiful day … we don’t need to go straight back to work, do we?’

I responded, ‘I guess not. What do you have in mind?’

She said, ‘Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner.

After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, ‘If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.’

‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

And I just sat there ….

on the sofa ….

naked 😐


Happy Christmas and charity to all men…?

Happy Christmas and Charity to All…..?

Well not exactly, not in Chiswick anyway? Just before Christmas I wheeled up to a cash point machine on Chiswick High Road. As my hands were cold I dropped a card from my wallet. Now as I can’t bend down to reach the ground I’m unable to pick things up now… so I obviously said ‘ excuse me’ to the next passer by. To my surprise she ignored me, as did the next 5/6 people that I said it to. Eventually a chap with a European accent came to my aid and picked up my card.

The fact dawned upon me that those that ignored me had assumed I was begging.

Well well, now there’s an experience. I don’t mind looking like a beggar, and don’t take any offence at that, but it does make me ashamed of the people of Chiswick, where I lived for 30 years, for their deliberate indifference to me as they carried their Waitrose bags past me and turned the other cheek.

Shame on them.

The familiar pattern.

As usual ‘ highs’ are countered by lows in my life. Something good is invariably obliterated by something negative, and that’s what’s happening now, with resultant psychological wrecking ball consequences, manifesting as suicidal thoughts and a bleak outlook.

I wonder whether the torments I endure, that seem to me deliberate, will ever end. The physical ones won’t and can’t, but the mental ones are different as they are unnecessary.

I’m struggling to see the light again.


Thank you to the lovely Wendy for making Christmas 2018 the best that I’ve had for quite some time. I’m not quite sure what she sees in me but I know what I see in her… what a lovely girl she is in every way.

Oxford and then a few days in Portugal with her youngest son ( warmer and well, a holiday ) with a return to London for NYE watching the fireworks and drinking sparkling stuff. I’ve never actually seen the NYE London fireworks before- aren’t they bloody amazing?

Happy new year to anyone reading this!

Russ x