As I’m fairly sure that I’m breaking internally again ( too many times lugging my Paralysed bits around beds/ chairs etc ) so my spasms have returned with a vengeance, and so my thoughts turn to hopelessness and resignation, with suicide becoming extremely tempting again. It was so easy to do last time that it holds no fear for me at all.
Ive been x rayed to see if I am actually coming apart as I suspect, and I’ll know tomorrow I think. I did go on and on about them treating my body gently post surgery for a while, but my voice was ignored and I went with their insistence to move —everything involving lateral shearing forces- that now all of a sudden they are telling me not to do, in case it causes breakage……. So why did they insist I do it in the first place then?
I don’t write about my 2 daughters often do I, having opted to ‘ keep some things out of my diary ‘ but let’s face it I talk about everything else that’s personal without hesitation. I think about my daughters so often and it’s truly heartbreaking that I don’t see them, or even hear from them. I often send them messages but they are ignored. I wonder what it is that they think about me, what’s so bad about me that they cannot find enough heart to get in touch. They live 20 minutes from me, which is cruelly close, yet may as well be on another planet in terms of frequency of contact. People I know have written to them, but all is ignored. What/ who do they listen to i wonder, that keeps them topped up with such contempt for me?
I’ve seen a clinical psychologist whilst here in hospital, and I’m an open and honest book I confess to my many sins for sure, some of them clearly humorous to the doctor ( well I imagine they get told all sorts of evil things that make mine seem ok )
As my spasms persist I think of the easy exit route increasingly, and realise I’ve been actually hovering here for some time. I do have strategies for moving my mind on, but when you’re down it becomes very tempting to let the thoughts flourish and take you down the Path of No Return
No one would notice on Halloween- I could just bleed slowly to death in the street and people might look on in admiration, marvelling at the copious amount of fake red stuff pouring from me.
Happy Haloween from me then.