Monthly Archives: June 2016


Today is the date that I should have died.

It is most certainly what would have happened if nature had had it’s way.

It seems so right to me that today ought still be the date that I die, and my head is completely full of it, to the exclusion of all else.

It’s not depression, as I don’t feel ‘down’ – I think depression more often applies to those who are sad despite having nothing necessarily tangible to be sad about – and that’s obviously NOT the case with me.

I don’t have a supply of tablets, and I can’t jump off anything, and hanging myself would be tricky.

So what to do?

I don’t want to injure anyone else ( physically ) in the process, either.

Whilst away in Holland, somehow my kit that enables me to go to the toilet was mislaid by someone.
For 4 hours today and last night I have tried and failed to go.

That doesn’t help my satisfaction with life situation – 4 hours is an inconceivable amount of time to be doing that in the ‘normal ‘ world.

I don’t want to suffer this kind of self humiliation for another day.

I’ve had a few nice messages today, but they do nothing to alter my view of my reality.

A text.

I’ll never forget mum phoning me to say you’d had an accident. We were just sitting down for supper and she was phoning all my phones. I was getting a bit irritated as I hate the phone at the best of times and was trying to ignore it ringing! I obviously had no idea what she was about to tell me. Try not to dwell on today too much. (Easy for me to say, right). Thinking of you and sending you lots of love xx

Monday T-1

There seems to be no position left other than sitting in my wheelchair, when my legs don’t constantly spasm ( and often they do whilst in the chair too )

I got myself into the sofa just now for the first time in a long time.
My left leg kicked out and knocked over a glass, and now the floor is covered in small shards.

I can do nothing to remedy this mess, as my wheelchair has no wheels, they having gone to the bike shop for repair.

If they were on the chair and I was able to get into it, from the sofa, I’d almost certainly get 2 punctures..

Feeling trapped is a regular emotional challenge, as well as a reality.


It’s my first time in Amsterdam.

I last came to The Netherlands in 1986 ( I think ). That was to play rugby, with my Uni team.

Not being a drug taker, it’s never been on my list, tho obviously there’s much more here than substance availability.

My God, the whole of this country is on the verge of being underwater.. indeed most of it used to actually be.

I’ve made myself useful in the support van, as navigating thro literally endless canals and rivers, chasing bikes that can go pretty much anywhere ( down narrow paths and across foot bridges ) has not been easy.
The task has kept me distracted from thoughts of my imminent anniversary.

As I write, I’m struggling not to cry, so terrible is that anniversary now to me.

Day 2.

My spasms have reached a whole new level – now it’s proving largely impossible to get my legs to go straight – it’s like someone’s pulling invisible elastic tied round my knees, really hard, every few seconds.

It’s Day 2 of the bike ride that I can’t ride, where I’ve at least found a role as the support van navigator – using various Apps to track where we are, as well as track where the riders are.
Pistol Pete is driving and I’m in the other seat.
As the seat is 5 feet up from the ground, it’s a 3 man effort to get me in and out of the van, but it is achievable.

Psychologically it’s hard to watch them all ride, when I cannot, but it’s good to see them all again, en masse.

It’s T-3 today – 3 days til 3 years. Pete was saying that he still gets flashbacks to me lying in the road that day.

Day 1 T-4

Made it to Holland.
Thanks to the guys for getting me there.

The downside ( isn’t there always one ? ) is that my spasms are probably the worst they’ve been. I’m having to hold on tight to the sides of my chair/ solid objects to stop myself jerking right out of my wheelchair.

I just can’t fathom this stuff.

Dammit. I’ll find something else.

Dear Russell,

Thank you very much for your inquiry regarding doing the London marathon in your Mountain Trike.

Unfortunately it will not be possible for you to take part in your mountain trike. Our events are run under IAAF, UKA and IPC Marathon rules, which prevent the use of mechanical devices that incorporate gears and chains.

Your mountain trike comes under UCI rules and IPC cycle rules.


—–Original Message—–
From: Helpdesk
Sent: 08 June 2016 13:08
To: Michelle Weltman
Subject: FW: Disabled entry.

From: Russell Dawkins []
Sent: 08 June 2016 13:03
To: Helpdesk
Subject: Disabled entry.

Hi there,

I was paralysed 2 years ago, and now a wheelchair user.

I’d like to do the London Marathon in a chair ( I ran it twice before my injury ) and both times for charity.

My problem is this- my left hand is also injured permanently, making pushing a regular wheelchair impossible for 26 miles.

I do however have another chair – called a Mountain Trike – that I can propel along.
I enclose a picture. It’s a bit longer than a normal chair, but nowhere near as long as a racing wheelchair.

The fastest I can go in it is 5mph, so it’ll put me in the 5 hour category, at best.

I would need another entry for a helper, so that I can get help with ‘ toilet’ necessities.

Can you help with this query?


Russ Dawkins.

This email has been scanned by the Symantec Email service.
For more information please visit ______________________________________________________________________

Michelle Weltman | Wheelchair/Disability Coordinator
Tel: 020 7902 0200 | DDI: +44 (0) 20 7902 0203
Marathon House | 115 Southwark Street | London | SE1 0JF

Registered Office: 115 Southwark Street, London, SE1 0JF. Registered in England No. 1528489. London Marathon Events Ltd is a wholly owned subsidiary of the London Marathon Charitable Trust Ltd. Registered Charity No. 283813


So I seem to have got my bladder under control with medicines ( tho I hate to speak too soon about anything positive..)

That means that, as it stands, I’ll go to Holland. A number of the guys had made some pretty impassioned pleas for me to go, which I did find very moving – thank you, fellas.

I kept up my Trike exercise today – pushing for a couple of hours along the river – all fine until it suddenly jack knifed and tipped over, throwing me out.

As I can absolutely nothing but lie there helpless, that’s what I did, until 3 ladies appeared on bikes, though they did balk a bit at the prospect of lifting me back into the chair, and who could blame them..

As if by magic, an old mate was out running and jumped into provide the muscle.
Thank you, Stu.

The fall has done something to my back, which seems to crunch and creak more each day now.

The operation, if I made it that far, would presumably stop all that movement – movement that is quite obviously NOT normal.


I met up with my friend, ARTI,yesterday as I said.
I couldn’t get my Trike into a coffee shop, so we had a coffee in a pub instead ( just the thought is weird ).

I went ahead into the garden at the back.
It’s quite a cumbersome thing to manoeuvre, the Trike, and I had to move 2 chairs to get close to a table.

It was a difficult process for me to do that, and involved a few minutes of hard effort and quite a lot of noise.

There were probably 25 people in that small garden, aged 25-35 and mostly men.

No one offered to help me.

I don’t know why that would be, but it is disappointing.